


Fandom Texts: Sons of Anarchy Edition

by BadWolfRose (BadWolf1988)



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Humor, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 15:21:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13766952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadWolf1988/pseuds/BadWolfRose
Summary: Take two almost thirty-year-old fangirls, add in one over thirty fanboy and have one of the fangirls introduce the other two to Sons of Anarchy. These 100% real text messages are the end result.





	Fandom Texts: Sons of Anarchy Edition

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nickthediva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nickthediva/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I obviously do not own Sons of Anarchy. I highly doubt I would be sharing these text messages if I did.
> 
> WARNING: These text messages are FULL of spoilers. If you have not seen SOA all the way through, DO NOT READ THIS!
> 
> Thank you, Meghan, for beta-reading these texts even though you've never seen an episode of SOA.

_Sons of Anarchy_ is a show that you watch all the way through twice.

The first time is when you get pulled in and binge watch the show even though you realize about halfway through that you're watching a modern retelling of _Hamlet_ (ala _The Lion King_ ) and that there's zero way for the story to end happily for Jax.

The second time you watch it, it's because you've talked an unsuspecting friend (2 in my case) into watching and getting sucked into the complex web of emotions that is _SOA_. You do this for the pure enjoyment of reading text messages like the following (all of these are 100% real):

 

**Nick: Wait a min. The club's hitman is named Happy Lowman? Like Willy's son in Death of a Salesman? Was that on purpose?**

Me: It's Happy Loman in DOAS, not Lowman.

**Nick: It's pronounced the same damn way, Hermione.**

Me: You promised to stop calling me that 10 years ago.

**Nick: You also promised to stop acting like a know-it-all. We both lied. **

 

**Nick: WTF is church?**

***5 MINUTES LATER***

**Nick: NM. It means club meeting. Figured it out!**

Me: You mean google figured it out?

 

_Fay: Who names their kid after the world's first murder victim? Abel really?_

Me: It could be worse. They could have named him Cain after the world's first murderer.

**Nick: NO! There is only one Cain. He was played by Timothy O., he's sexy, and was on Supernatural.**

Me: He's straight and married. You're gay and married. Never happening, sweetie.

**Nick: Says you.**

_ **Erik (Nick's hubby):** **Babe, I'm reading these texts too and you do have to come home to me at some point.** _

**Nick: I'm sorry. This number has been disconnected. Please try your call again later.**

_Fay: Dude, it's not 1995 anymore and WE'RE TEXTING!_

Me: “I'm sorry, are you from the past?”

_**Erik:** _ _**Wonderful. She's quoting The IT Crowd. Now it's just a hop, skip, and a jump until she gets to Doctor Who and Harry Potter. Nicholas, look what you've done. Are you proud of yourself?** _

**Nick: Kinda.**

 

**Nick: DUDE! Gemma + skateboard = OWIE!!!!**

 

**Nick: OMFG! “Jerky Jerk-Off”!!! ROTFL. I'm dead!**

 

Fay: _Just found out this show was loosely based on Hamlet. Gemma's behavior makes more sense and now I know Jax can't live in the end. I HATE YOU FOR SHOWING ME THIS SHOW, ROSE! (I substituted my online name here. In reality, she used my first, middle, last, AND maiden name)_

 

**Nick: Rose, is it spelled cut or kutte?**

Me: When in the hell are you ever gonna need to know the difference? And if you're referring to their vests, it's always spelled 'kutte'.

**Nick: How would you even know that anyway?**

Me: Hubby and his parents are bikers remember? *Hubby's Name Bleeped Out* has known his way around a bike since he was a teenager.

**Nick: Does *BLEEP* or your in-laws know any gay bikers that look like Jax? Or Happy? Or Chibs?**

Me: Why does Erik put up with you? He has to know he can do better.

 

 _Fay:_ _What the actual fuck? DONNA?!!!_

 

_Fay: Hellboy needs to die bloody. I HATE Clay!_

 

_Fay: I'm not sure how this is possible but I hate racist assholes even more right now._

 

**Nick: Well. Gemma just flipped her shit...if she ever actually had it together to begin with. **

 

_Fay: NO! NOT HALF-SACK!_

 

**Nick: The fuckers took Abel!!!!**

 

 _ **Nick AND Fay (at least once during the series):**_ _**Okay, I like Clay again.**_

 

**Nick: WTF?!!! HALE! BRAINS! ROAD!**

 

_Fay: Damn it, I was just starting to like Hale._

 

**Nick: Yuck! Jax just had a Luke/Leia moment with his little sister!**

 

_Fay: Hun, I know you're Catholic and part-Irish but I am seriously wishing death on this Irish priest right now._

 

**Nick: GEMMA! PUT DOWN THE GUN...OR THE BABY! DON'T CARE WHICH! PUT ONE OF THEM DOWN RIGHT NOW, MISSY!!**

 

_Fay: Jax better be going back to get that damn baby!_

 

**Nick: Ding dong, the ATF bitch is gone!!!**

 

_Fay: “This is what she felt.” OMG!!! Opie is legit sexy to me right now. _

Me: Nothing like blowing a woman's head off to get your heart all aflutter. And if you really think he's sexy, google Ryan Hurst clean shaven.

_Fay: Why'd you have to go and ruin it for me?_

 

**Nick: JAX BETRAYED THE CLUB?!!!!!**

***5 MINUTES LATER***

**Nick: Okay, that shit wasn't funny...but SOOOO well written!**

 

_Fay: Did Kozik steal Tig's old lady or something?_

***A FEW EPISODES LATER***

_Fay: That was all over a damn dog?!_

Me: But she was a pretty dog though.

 

**Nick: Was that Kozik that just went boom? I'm seeing shit, right?**

Me: If you saw him go boom, he went boom.

 

**Nick: Is Thomas like a little person? Or does Abel have like that rapid aging disease?**

Me: What. The. Fuck?! It's 2 in the morning, you asshat!

_Fay: Are you gonna tell us what you're talking about or can I go back to sleep?_

**Nick: Okay, check this out. Where I'm at in SOA, Abel's like 5 and Thomas is like an infant. Tara got pregnant with Thomas when Abel was a baby. If Thomas is really just a baby than Abel should only be like 3 max.**

Me: Alright, I'll own up to the fact that he's right and I watched the whole show without noticing that timeline fuck up.

_Fay: Nick, have you been drinking? You're saying 'like' a lot._

**Nick: I'm sorry this number has been disconnected.**

Me: That's a big 10-4 on the drinking.

 

**Nick: Dude, Tig's daughter! Holy crap, Meg got roasted alive!**

Me: Uh...you're still watching SOA, right? I can't be THAT far behind on Supernatural. Her name isn't Meg on SOA, it's Dawn...or Marguex with an X.

 

_Fay: OPIE! NOT OPIE!_

Me: Yes, Opie.

 

 **Nick:** **Please, TELL me Opie's getting back up?!**

Me: Did you miss his brains splattered on the ground?

 

**Nick: Holy shit! Jax is gonna fucking kill Gemma!**

 

_Fay: Tara's dead and Jax just found her body. I'm sobbing!_

 

**Nick: WHAT?! NO!!! I had Bobby at least living until the finale! That's it, no one's safe anymore!**

 

_Fay: I'm gonna say it. Tig and Venus are #relationshipgoals._

**Nick: We are running background checks on all of your dates from now on. Venus is cool but Tig had a warrant out for his arrest in Oregan for doing bad things with livestock.**

Me: And did you miss the pilot episode? What about the episode in the first season when he feels up a woman's corpse in the hospital morgue?

 

**Nick: Damn, Abel's hardcore. He just signed Grandma Gemma's death warrant.**

 

**Nick: Jax is rebuilding that bike to go out just like his dad. **

_Fay: I think so too. Very poetic._

Me: If y'all are on the finale, please, explain to me who or what the fuck is the homeless chick? Is she an angel, God, WHAT?!

**Nick: I looked it up. Kurt Sutter said that, to him, at different times, the homeless woman is an angel or even Jesus who always shows up when Jax or Gemma are faced with a difficult moral decision.**

Me: Damn. That's deep.

 

**Nick: That was the best worst ending to a show I've ever seen EVER! I don't think any other show will ever top the SOA finale.**

 

_Fay: My eyes are swollen from crying and my life feels hollow and empty. I hate you, Rose._

 

And now, ladies and gentleman, my all-time favorite SOA-related text message. Nick sent this to me about an hour after he watched the series finale:

 

**Nick: Holy great actor, Batgirl! Did you know that Jax was really BRITISH?!**

Me: I knew that straight out of the gate and I thought you would have too. You love the movie, Green Street Hooligans.

**Nick: What does that have to do with anything?**

Me: Charlie Hunnam plays Pete in Green Street Hooligans. That's how we found the show to begin with. Netflix recommended it after we watched GSH.

**Nick:** **Well, spank my ass and call me Shirley, you're right! I can't believe I didn't notice that and I watched all seven seasons of SOA.**

Me: As always, sweetie, I so enjoy your colorful use of the English language.

 

 

**_[MY WEBSITE](http://www.badwolfrose.com) _ **


End file.
